


Dirtken

by kuonji



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Crack, Fantasy, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-11
Updated: 2012-08-11
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:42:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>There once was a boy named Ken... </em>We all know how the story is supposed to go, but will this fairytale have a happy ending?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirtken

**Author's Note:**

> This story was nominated for an [Ollie Award](http://community.livejournal.com/sh911award_com) in 2011, category "Golden Ollie Fanon Award (Best story/art/video after series)".
> 
> Alternative Links:  
> <http://starskyhutch911.livejournal.com/478039.html>

There once was a boy named Ken. Like everyone else, he had two fathers when he was born. However, the father who loved him and doted on him sickened one winter and died. His remaining father, who was an ignorant fellow who cared only about money and going to fancy orgies, remarried another man in the spring. This man had two twin boys of his own. These boys had cherubic golden hair and big blue eyes and fair faces and figures, but they were as ugly inside as they were handsome outside.

As soon as the new husband moved in, the step-brothers started sneering at Ken. "Look at how stupid and ugly he is!" they said. "And his penis is tiny! Nobody will ever sleep with him." They dressed him in children's clothes instead of allowing him to go nude as they did, and they set him to do all the hard, filthy housework. They also made Ken sleep outside in the garden, so that he was covered with dirt every day. Soon, they simply called him 'Dirtken'.

One day, Dirtken's father was going to town for supplies, and he asked the step-sons what they wanted him to bring back for them. They asked for flavored condoms and expensive oils and the newest brand of lube. Thinking these very sensible choices, the father agreed. Then he asked, "Dirtken, what would you like?" Dirtken, who knew that he would never have use for anything except his right hand, said, "The first plant that you see for sale on the way home, father. Please bring me that."

After all his time in the garden, you see, Dirtken had come to regard all the plants and flowers and trees there as friends, and he would like very much to have a new one.

So Dirtken's father bought the twins' gifts, and on the way home, he passed by a nursery that was selling rocks. Thinking this a fine joke, he bought one for his son. Dirtken accepted the gift gladly, knowing it to be not a rock but a rare living stone plant. He planted it carefully beside his loving father's grave in the garden, and he watered it sparingly and sang to it every day with his sweet, soulful voice so that it flourished.

One day, it happened that the King announced a royal orgy that would last all night long. All the young men of the realm were invited so that the King's only son could choose his future Consort from among them. Naturally, the twins were ecstatic, but when Dirtken also asked to go, they ridiculed him. "You're nothing but an atrocious dirt-ball dressed like a child. No man would ever want you! Now hurry up and help us bathe and shave and decorate our bodies with paint."

Dirtken did as he was told, but he was despondent. Finally, the step-father, pretending to be kind, told Dirtken that he could go if he could gather one thousand obscure trivia facts that no one had ever heard before. Dirtken had been taught by his kinder father many things about etiquette and art, but he did not know any trivia. He went out to the garden by where his kind father had been buried, and, with tears in his eyes, he ranted about the injustice of it all.

No sooner had he finished explaining his troubles, then the stone plant suddenly bloomed. Instead of the single flower that it would normally produce in summer, it grew a tiny book, and when Dirtken picked it up, he found it to be _One Thousand Bits Of Trivia You Never Knew_. He hastened to his step-father to read it to him, happy at having accomplished this task. He got through only the first twenty before his step-father put his hands over his ears and told him to stop.

"You still can't go to the orgy, Dirtken," he said, after Dirtken had finished telling him that you swallowed eleven spiders in your sleep over your lifetime. "After all, you are far too revolting for other people to see you, much less the Prince. And anyway, I'm sure that you haven't the vaguest idea how to pleasure a man." Well, this was true, so Dirtken had nothing to answer. Then the two fathers and the twin boys left Dirtken all alone.

Dirtken, heartbroken, went out to the stone plant and again told it his troubles. Suddenly, the plant bloomed again, and Dirtken harvested a bottle labeled "Beauty Cream" and another small book titled _One Hundred Ways To Pleasure A Man_.

Excited, Dirtken read the book and memorized it. Then he undressed, cleaned himself, and rubbed the magic cream all over his body. The stone plant bloomed again and a bright red shiny sports car appeared for Dirtken to drive. "Don't you have something less... flashy?" Dirtken asked. The plant bloomed again, and Dirtken picked off a note that said, _"Trust me."_ So, shrugging, he drove the loud, garish car to the palace.

There was no trouble finding the Prince once he entered, because he was surrounded by multiple men trying their best to let him see heaven. He was moaning lustily, covered with sweat and oils and several intricate temporary tattoos as was the current fashion with the gentlemen. Dirtken could only stare, enthralled by the sight. The Prince was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, with his strong muscles, handsome features, and thick curly dark brown hair -- all over.

The Prince opened his eyes, a dark blue, and saw Dirtken, and he was so struck by Dirtken's beauty that he pulled free of the nine men currently pleasuring him in every possible way at the same time, and he seized Dirtken in a deep kiss. He pulled Dirtken to the cushions on the floor right there and made sweet love to him until Dirtken was breathless, and whenever anyone else tried to tempt Dirtken away, the Prince would growl, "Hands off! He's _my_ partner."

Dirtken was in bliss, so that he hardly even remembered at first what he had read about how to pleasure a man. Soon, however, as he heard nothing but encouragement and praise, he began to try his own skills, and the Prince was reduced to utter, helpless pleasure. When he entered his Prince for the first time, he thought he would die of delight, and the Prince made it abundantly clear that he felt the same way. Dirtken became so confident and so shining with intimate joy that his family never suspected him at all. They thought he must be a foreign sex god.

As the night wore on, Dirtken began to fear that the Beauty Cream he had used to make his homely self beautiful would wear off, so he tried to go home. The Prince, however, wanted to see where he lived, so he stubbornly followed him out to the car. Once there, he was completely hypnotized by Dirtken's car. Dirtken offered to let the Prince test drive it, and then he quickly leaped out the other side and ran home on foot through the side streets before the Prince could catch him.

The Prince quickly realized his mistake. He went back to the palace and stopped the orgy, and he asked everyone for the owner of the car, but everyone said to him, "That does not belong to us." So he was frustrated.

Now, the Prince, like Dirtken, had lost one of his fathers when he was small. His remaining father ruled the realm as a kind, just King, but he was ready to pass on the responsibility to his son, the Prince. He had taught his son honor and duty, and he had also made sure that his son learned all the best arts of sexual pleasure so that the Prince was known far and wide as the most talented bed partner in the land.

Therefore, the Prince knew immediately what he should do. The next morning, he went to his father the King and told him that he would marry none but the tall, blond, blue-eyed man whose huge, circumcised cock had filled his sensitive ass so perfectly the night before. This was swiftly announced to the kingdom, and Dirtken's step-brothers were very happy because they were both tall, blond, and blue-eyed. However, they were worried because their penises were not circumcised.

"Here is what we will do. We will circumcise you now," said their father. "But how will I do that nice trick where I put my partner's cock inside my foreskin and play with both tips inside?" asked one twin. His father replied, "Once you are Consort, you will not need that trick anymore. Your husband will be the finest bed partner in all the land." So saying, he circumcised one twin and sent him to sleep with the Prince.

The twins had both had much practice and many expensive instructors over the years, so he was very skilled, and the Prince was shortly moaning in pleasure. When he entered the Prince from behind, however, the perceptive Prince said, "Wait, something is not right." He examined the other man's penis and noticed the bloody, new scar. "You are not the one," he said.

The step-father wanted to circumcise his other son next, but that son was afeared of the pain and so refused to try. "Do you have other sons?" the Prince asked. Dirtken's father said, "No, only Dirtken, who cannot possibly be whom you seek." The Prince demanded to see him anyway, but the step-father was quick to say, "No! He is foul-looking and dirty and only a stupid child. It would embarrass us to let you see him." However, the Prince was insistent.

Dirtken was terrified that the Prince would be disgusted by him now, without the Beauty Cream, but he took off his children's clothing and washed himself carefully and presented himself to the Prince with a deep bow. As soon as the Prince looked Dirtken in the face, he exclaimed, "It's you! You're the one!"

Unbeknownst to Dirtken, he was not ugly at all. He had the softest golden hair and the most dreamy pale blue eyes and an angelic face and gentle hands. Because he had been doing all the hard work in the house for years, he also had gorgeous muscles and a stunning glow to his skin. His step-brothers and step-father had derided him all these years only because they were jealous. They covered him with clothes and made sure he stayed dirty in order to hide his natural beauty, which easily eclipsed theirs.

Outside, a noise of birds chirping went up, and when Dirtken ran outside, he found the stone plant with yet another bloom. He picked off a silver-gilded card that read, _"The Beauty Cream was only ordinary lotion; it was there to give you confidence. In truth, your body is as beautiful as your heart."_

The Prince had caught up with him by now, and he turned Dirtken around and put a hand to Dirtken's cheek. "What is your name?" he asked. Dirtken blushed and answered, "D- D-" then stammered and stopped. Clearing his throat, he said, "My name is Ken." The Prince smiled and said, "Ken, will you be my husband? When I am King, you will be Consort of the realm." Dirtken -- now Ken once more -- reminded him shyly, "But you haven't even felt my cock inside you yet." The Prince merely laughed and said, "It doesn't matter, because I already know you are the one I love and want forever."

The Prince carried Ken away in the red sports car (which he very much liked) and they were married that same day. Ken's family was forced to work the dirtiest jobs in the palace to serve penance for their evil ways. Ken eventually started his own beloved garden in the palace, and he tended it carefully so that it grew lush and fruitful. Ken rued the day that his husband found the book, _One Thousand Bits Of Trivia You Never Knew_. The book _One Hundred Ways To Pleasure A Man_ , of course, was completely unnecessary and was soon lost.

The stone plant, which Ken placed in a pot next to his pillow, remained a simple stone plant ever after.

  
~*The End*~

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the fairytale, Cinderella, of course, with profuse apologies to the Brothers Grimm. I used the Barnes & Noble Classics edition that I own. Here is [a similar version of the text](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/35988.html).
> 
> No, I don't know where the babies come from. You're not expecting _logic_ in this story, are you?
> 
> Living stone plants, or Lithops, are real. They require little care and are quite unique-looking. I first learned about them through a newspaper article. Here's more info:  
> <http://faculty.ucc.edu/biology-ombrello/pow/living_stones.htm>  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithops>
> 
> * * *
> 
>   
> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:    
>      [No Sera Que Sera](http://community.livejournal.com/starskyhutch911/255393.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by kuonji    
>      [Ollie](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/21572.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by kuonji    
>      [Den Lille Arkaeolog](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/17031.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>      [The Frog Suitor](http://%20http://community.livejournal.com/mckay_sheppard/2803360.html) (Stargate Atlantis), by Cesare  
>  


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